For several months now, I have stopped eating once I finish dinner and then my next food intake is the following morning. Not for intermittent fasting, I just wanted to stop eating so much since the gym had to shut down.
Well, that changed tonight. After finishing dinner and brushing my teeth, I’m now sitting here at 9pm eating a large peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich. On the surface, it may seem like nothing, but it’s a cry for help in my world.
In spite of all of the positive things that have happened recently—like starting school and a slow return to pre-pandemic normal—I’ve been fighting feelings of depression. This depression was most likely triggered by changes—like starting school and returning to pre-pandemic normal—while the pandemic is still happening. I guess I just miss the life I had in 2019.
When my feelings ‘go dark’ like this, I feel like ‘punishing myself’ by overeating. Besides the sandwich, today I also ate a crazy amount of chocolate, popcorn, cheese and more chocolate. And guess what, it didn’t do any good.
The truth is, I’m ANGRY, and it would be far more satisfying to punish someone else! But who? I can’t beat up the person who started the pandemic. I can’t beat up the executives who said I no longer have a job. And I can’t beat up the mystery person who’s been leaving their dog’s poop on the grass! So I suppress my anger, which then manifests into depression.
I’m sharing my feelings now because writing a blog post has been a struggle lately. Last weeks post was about the geese at our local lake, which people liked, but it was a ‘lazy post’ that I hardly put any effort into because I didn’t have the energy to do better. And this week is the same. So I’m just sharing my struggle with the hope that it may help someone else who’s feeling the same way.
Anger is a topic worth exploring, so that’s what I’ll be doing next week. I hope you’ll join me and share your thoughts. This is a safe space, so if you’re like me and you just want to throw your fist through a wall, please know you are in good company. 😉
Aw I’m so sorry to hear you’re not feeling the greatest.. I can so relate and I feel like many others can as well.. This pandemic era has been so surreal and heavy on all of us, especially those it affected directly in terms of health or losing their jobs…
I can also relate to the self-anger and overeating… At the beginning of the pandemic I was like a fitness train trying to get everyone to join me in finding my inner Olivia Newton-John (wait, it was her that did those 80s exercise videos right? Lol).. But now I’m literally “who cares, just snack all day”… Have I given up?? I’d like to think it’s just really really long break… *sigh
Yes, I‘m going with the mindset of a long break, because this will eventually end. But getting through to the end can be rough. I guess we‘ll just have to keep doing our best to take care of ourselves until then. ❤️
P.S. Olivia Newton-John did the ’Let‘s Get Physical‘ song. Jane Fonda did the workouts. Full confession, when I was a teenager in the 80‘s, I wore my leg warmers to a Richard Simmons gym! (Never got to meet him though.) 😂 😂 😂
Oh yes Jane Fonda LOL that’s who I meant 🙂