When Life Goes Off the Rails

From three miles away, I could hear the sounds of the train penetrating the still night air while I struggled to fall asleep. The horn gave off a commanding blow, warning that nothing was going to stop this massive machine from speeding down its designated path. Metal wheels spinning on steel rails, with a rhythmic sound that was quite soothing to hear as I laid staring up at the ceiling. And I heard it for a while. This was a freight train. A long train. The kind of train where the last car is out of sight when it begins winding its way through the neighborhood. It can take a couple minutes before the final car is revealed.

Today I live much closer to those nocturnal sounds, but they can’t lull me to sleep these days. Keeping motivated while laid off from my job due to the pandemic is a real struggle that’s sent my mental health to the wrong side of the tracks. I’m used to being in constant motion; dropping my daughter off at school, heading to work, driving home in traffic after a full day, and doing philanthropy work on the side. Luckily I’ve still been able to find some volunteer work during this time, which gets me out of the house and doing something productive. But some days I find myself pacing around feeling like I’m about to go off the rails with anger and frustration that sometimes internalizes into anxiety and depression. My world can get very dark, so I have to keep taking the initiative and lead myself out of the dark tunnel in my mind and exit the house. It’s really the only thing that helps me. 

My church would say pray, but that hasn’t been working for me. God has been too slow to let me know what my purpose is now. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wrote this to share my struggle and reach out to others who may be going through a similar struggles. Please feel free to contact me to share your story.

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